All The Candle News That's Unfit To Print

terminator Candle

Dateline 10/01/97

In a bizarre story that has scientists baffled, Billy Bob Johnson, a candlemaker from Boondock, New York was attacked by a giant candle apparently composed of liquid paraffin. Here is his eyewitness account:

"I was cookin' up a votive concoction when the pot, it started a shakin' an a rattlin'. Before I could cut the heat, wax was runnin' up outta the pot, acrost the stove and ornta the floor. Almos' instant like, the wax puddle started risin' and taked shape. Danged if it didn't turn inter a giant votive. But it was the durndest lookin' candle I ever seed, ya could see right through it. All of a sudden the wick caught fire and it started comin' at me. At this point my wife Bertha took this picture while I snatched up my handy 12 gauge. The bang slowed it down, but it growed right back. I tried everythin in the house, from my deer gun to the kid's BB Gun . Heck I even tried throwin' all them empty beer cans at it. It jes' kep' on comin' an comin'. All I had left was ma hog stick wif a big ol' treble hook onit. Wouldn' ya know it, I missed agin! On mah secon' cast I knocked a bottle offn the shelf which shattered glass an some funky smellin stuff everwhere. Next thin' I knows the candle is disintegratin right befoa ma eyes. Turns out it was a bottle of mold cleana. Gotta get sum moa befoa makin' any moa candles."

Ed: The above account was edited to make it understandable and to remove the 47 profanities used in telling the story without losing the "flavor" of the story. Mr. Johnson is the sad product of a failed education system and probably a good amount of inbreeding.

Interviews with authorities yielded these quotes:

"Maybe it came from the future to prevent Mr. Johnson from developing a wax formula that would prevent candles from taking over the Earth"

"Could this be an Alien candle sighting?"

"I wonder How many hours it would have burned"

"What dye combination can you use to get clear"

"I'm ordering some of that mold cleaner today"

"I'm surprised a robotic candle didn't show up to save him"

"Wish I knew how to get liquid paraffin to hold its shape like that"

View an Index of Candle Times Articles

This Page Sponsored by

One Stop Candle Supply