All The Candle News That's Unfit To Print

Dateline 10/21/97

Noted candle expert Mike H has suggested the following Full Coverage Candle Label for dealing with a world where no one seems capable of taking any responsibility for their own actions:

"Caution, burn on a fireproof surface.
Never burn unattended.
DANGER: Lighted candles are ON FIRE!!! Use Caution!
Do not eat.
Do not attempt to sniff the aroma of a lit candle from closer less than 18 inches.
Cats are curious and flammable, take care.
Do not dry candles in automatic clothes driers.
Do not burn closer than 2 feet from flammable objects.
Extinguish all candles before 'bug-bombing' the room.
Lighted candles, hair spray, oils, gasoline, and flammable vapors do not mix quietly.
Some scent materials are irritating to the skin, do not rub candles yourself or (or anyone else).
Danger! Candles require a flame for lighting, flames will burn you.
Candles cannot be successfully lit from a burning fireplace without extreme risk to the lighter.
All dripless candles may drip.
All flameproof containers may not be.
Scented, molten candle wax may smell good enough to taste, but don't!
Just-extinguished candles and candle holders are HOT, too much heat is bad for your skin.
If bugs fall dead from the air in a room where a scented candle is burning, increase the room ventilation.
Not intended for use in automobiles.
A lighted candle attached to motorcycles or bicycles may shower the rider with hot wax at some unknown velocity.
Do not use lighted candles as decorations on Christmas trees.
Candles may not safely be stored in pockets without first extinguishing them.
"... Caution!, pet birds may be permanently disfigured by scented candles. Birds smaller than eagles,
goshawks, gyrfalcons, osprey, red tailed hawks, etc may have to hold their breaths when a candle is
burned in the room. Because avian-noxious vapors may enter thru the eyes, a pair of
birdy-fume-goggles is recommended.
If any of these warnings are 'News to Me!', then you are unqualified to burn candles without supervision."

The above public service announcement was sponsored by:

MikeH's Bird Goggle and Respirator Emporium.

Goggles and bird resirators, guaranteed to keep the feathery
friend safe from cinnamon, vanilla, lavender, and alien fungal scents, are available from this
candlemaker at the reasonable price of $29,95 and 54.67, respectively. Note: Parakeet and
Cockateel respirators are $59.95 and are made of stainless steel, due the the tendency of these
species to eat *anything*. Canary face masks are specially vented so that the songs come out but the
Lilac can't get in. Not recommended for large parrots. CALL NOW! Operators are standing by...

Void where prohibited...not affilliated with "The Psychic Phone Stripper" nor "The Pocket Fisherman
and Proctological Probe".
Not sold in stores...batteries not included. New York and Michigan residents, please double prices
listed above as a penalty for not being smart enough to move to a more reasonable Texas.


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