All The Candle News That's Unfit To Print

Stonehange Candle

Dateline 9/26/97

"They were guided by the traitorous Washington Monument!!", claims Senator Drool.

Bipartison wrangling, hooting, and the usual general folderol to which our so-called capital has become accustomed was interrupted today when the Washington Monument burst into flame. Tourists viewing the city from its upper level were slightly singed.

Senator Hefestus Drool (R, Tx) was outraged at the behavior of the monument in acting as a beacon to steer aliens to
"that round grassy know...that bowl-shaped, dinner-plate lookin, lawn shaped doodad..."; words having
failed, the Senator stomped off, cigar clamped in his clenched teeth.

The president, ever politically flexible, said he hoped the aliens would join NATO, abide by NAFTA, and divert the attention
of the press from Paula Jones and campaign finance issues. William Weld, having failed in his attempt to become ambassador
to Mexico, was knocking on the airlock of the ship before the jets had even cooled, volunteering to become ambassador to

On seeing the photo, Keanu Reeves told our reporter, "Far out! A cartoon rocket! Maybe they're the guys that designed
the paint jobs on all those Phillipino taxis!!"

As for the aliens themselves, their spokesman, Klaatu, says they just stopped by to get a root-beer squishy from the Kwiky-Mart, and to meet Bart, Homer, Marge, and the rest of the "Simpsons" cast. On learning that the Simpsons was simply an animated cartoon, they reportedly immediately returned to their rocket, painted "ACME Rocket Company" on the side of it and took off for Arizona, hoping to meet Wiley Coyote and the Roadrunner.

Copyright 1997, Junk Science Tabloid Press, Ltd.

View an Index of Candle Times Articles

This Page Sponsored by

One Stop Candle Supply